Archives
Here's some old pics of me......
I'll add descriptions later
Step outside the norm. Checkout some or all of these movies....
*Note: I put ‘**’ by my absolute favorites and ‘*’ by my favorites ;-) *
**Hard Candy 2005 (Drama Thriller)
**Requiem for a Dream 2000 (Drama Drugs)
*Donnie Darko 2001 (Drama Sci-Fi Thriller)
*Summer of Sam 1999 (Crime Drama Thriller)
**The Tracey Fragments 2007 (Drama)
*American Beauty 1999 (Drama)
**Eternal Sunshines of the Spotless Mind 2004 (Drama Romance)
**Se7en 1995 (Crime Mystery Thriller)
Quills 2000 (Drama History Romance)
*28 Days Later 2002 (Action Sci-Fi Thriller)
*Open Hearts / Elsker dig for evigt 2002 (Drama Romance)
Thirteen 2003 (Drama Crime)
**Sprin, Summer, Fall, Winter… and Spring / Bom yeoreum goeul gyeoul geurigo bom 2003 (Drama)
**Shaun of the Dead 2004 (Comedy Horror)
*Sideways 2004 (Comedy Drama Romance)
*Hero / ying xiong 2002 (Action Adventure)
*Infernal Affairs / Mougaun dou 2002 (Crime Drama Romance Thriller)
*Before Sunset 2004 (Drama Romance)
**L’amant / Lover 1992 (Biography Drama Romance)
*My Summer of Love 2004 (Drama Romance)
**Kung Fu Hustle 2004 (Comedy Action Fantasy)
**Shaolin Soccer 2001 (Comedy Action Fantasy)
**Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead 2007 (Comedy Drama Thriller)
**Stay 2005 (Drama Mystery Thriller)
**Invisible Circus 2001 (Drama)
So a while back I did a post of some of thing quotes that help me get through life. Well here it is again with two months of up updates. Enjoy....
I've been posting quotes on my wall that help me get through my tough days. Since a lot of you have liked or commented on them, I decided to make a collection of them here in this note. I will add to it as new quotes are posted on my wall. May this help you as much as it's helped me.
~Famous~
Things to help you through....
If you expect perfection from other people, your whole life is a series of disappointments, grumbling and complaints. If, on the contrary, you pitch your expectations low, taking folks as the inefficient creatures which they are, you are ... frequently surprised by having them perform better than you had hoped.
Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it.
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
People are like stained glass windows: they sparkle and shine when the sun's out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within.
Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.
In complete darkness we are all the same, it is only our knowledge and wisdom that separates us, don't let your eyes deceive you.
Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone whom you can't live without .
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
The rising sun can dispel the darkness of night, but it cannot banish the blackness of malice, hatred, bigotry, and selfishness from the hearts of humanity.
When you look at electrical things you can see that they are made of small and big wires, cheap and expensive all lined up. Until the current runs through them there will be no light. Those wires are you and me and the current is God. We have the pow...er to let the current pass through us, use us and produce the light of the world or we can refuse to be used and allow darkness to spread.
✞ "Jesus loves me! This I know, For the Bible tells me so; Little ones to Him belong, They are weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes, Jesus loves me! The Bible tells me so." ✞
A man may devote himself to death and destruction to save a nation; but no nation will devote itself to death and destruction to save mankind.
Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.
I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death.
You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.
Loving someone is like caring for a garden, love it too much or too little and it dies, but love it just right and it will live forever.
The future is not a result of choices among alternative paths offered by the present, but a place that is created--created first in the mind and will, created next in activity. The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating.
True transformation occurs only when we can look at ourselves squarely and face our attachments and inner demons, free from the buzz of commercial distraction and false social realities. We have to retreat into our own cocoons and come face-to-face with who we are. We have to turn toward our own inner darkness. For only by abandoning its attachments and facing the darkness does the caterpillar's body begin to spread out and its light, beautiful wings begin to form.
Like the lotus, you experience three primary stages of evolution. The first is marked by ignorance and darkness, when you lie below the dense mud - a closed chrysalis - which, by nature of existence, will eventually be pulled upwards by the warmth of the Sun. The second is exemplified by the climb through the clouded waters of your emotional experience, yet still the flower reaches to the Sun, knowing no other destiny ... no other purpose. The third brings full illumination in the splendor of the light. The Lotus flower blossoms, baring its exquisite beauty to all those who are aware, enough to recognize God unfolding.
People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.
Additional Set #1:
May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.
Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worth while. So when you are lonely, remember it's true: Somebody, somewhere is thinking of you.
Whenever I'm at my lowest, there's always someone to pull me back up and show me that life is still worth living for
My life would be beautiful if you were by my side because you have painted a smile in my heart that will last for a lifetime.
Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.
The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.
~8/28/2009~
Additional Set #2:
Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.
Making your mark on the world is hard. If it were easy, everybody would do it. But it's not. It takes patience, it takes commitment, and it comes with plenty of failure along the way. The real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because ...you won't. It's whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere.
Welcome every morning with a smile.Look on the new day as another special gift from your Creator, another golden opportunity to complete what you were unable to finish yesterday. Be a self-starter.Let your first hour set the theme of success and positive action that is certain to echo through your entire day. Today will never happen again. Don't waste it with a false start or no start at all.You were not born to fail.
Beginning today,treat everyone you meet as if they were going to die by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.
Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing ...will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.
Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.
It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.
When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.
Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no m...atter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power.
When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.
Our inner strengths, experiences, and truths cannot be lost, destroyed, or taken away. Every person has an inborn worth and can contribute to the human community. We all can treat one another with dignity and respect, provide opportunities to grow to...ward our fullest lives and help one another discover and develop our unique gifts. We each deserve this and we all can extend it to others.
~9/28/2009~
So I have this one friend that is really getting into astrology and is always sending me information on zodiac signs. Most of them sound like total garbage, but here lately, they have been pretty on point. After reading this write up on my zodiac sign, I decided to post it. It's about 97% accurate as it applies to me.
Pisces is the last sign of the zodiac, which has the symbol of 'The Fish'. Pisces people are not much interested in the material things of life and are not the ones to run after money. It's not that they are against riches, but they are more aware of its impermanence. They are not greedy about anything, least of all wealth. A Piscean has an easy carelessness about tomorrow. Pisces display either of the two basic personalities traits - going with the flow or against it. They will either go where the current takes them or fight against it.
Only if they choose the latter one, will they be truly happy and satisfied with their life. When they manage to do this, they are sure to reach the highest echelons of success. A Piscean characteristics profile exhibits loads of charm and a very easygoing attitude. He is not bothered by restrictions, as long as he has the right to dream and live his own life. Radical opinions do not stimulate him at all, nor do insults make him agitated. Very few things compel him to lose his temper. When a Pisces does get angry, it is better to stay away.
He can give the most sarcastic comments, be extremely rude and lash you with a scathing tongue. The best part is that the anger seldom lasts long and he will be his usual placid self again. When he sees the world, his eyes seem to be covered with rose-colored spectacles. Pisceans live in the world of their own, even when they are completely aware of the rough side of humanity. In their world, everyone is good and everything is beautiful. They have a very sharp memory and tend to remember the minutest of details.
When we give a description of Pisces personality, one of the basic traits that come in mind is its soothing stability. Even in the worst of storms, a Piscean will never panic and will maintain his poise. He has a good intuition and if he tells you not to go out of the house on a particular day, it is better to stay indoors. Pisces is the last sign of the zodiac and represents death and eternity. It has a blend of the qualities of all the other zodiacs. It is because of this fusion that it becomes very difficult to truly understand a Pisces.
He is a great organizer and pays attention to details (like Virgo), has a fair and detached judgment (like Libra), is sympathetic and moody (like Cancer), displays honesty and kindness (like Sagittarius), loves people and attention (like Leo) and is analytical (like Aquarius). At the same time, he talks very quickly and expertly (like Gemini), is passive and stubborn (like Taurus), can know your deepest secrets (like Scorpio), shows dedication to duty (like Capricorn) and overflows with optimism, innocence and zeal (like Aries).
A Piscean likes to argue, loves nature and holds fierce ambitions. He is deeply interested in music and art. He has great wisdom and is very compassionate towards the weak. He loves to help people in distress and utilizes most of his energy doing this only. You will never know when a Piscean is profoundly hurt. He hides his deepest emotions behind a veil of humor. The humor may be warm and innocent or cold and ruthless. However, it is sure to be a mask for some other emotion, more often than not.
Laughter is his best cover and he will use it wisely. He has compassion for the sick and even tries to understand the feelings of the lonely. Even those who are weak by choice will get Pisces shoulder to cry on. He never judges people and accepts them just as they are. He knows all your vices and virtues, understands them and will still be there if you need him. He wants to help everyone; still most of the people fail to understand the sensitivity of the fish. He absorbs the positive as well as the negative vibrations around him.
The world needs the creativity, imagination and empathy of Pisceans and they know it. Very often, they bury their own dreams to see their loved ones realizing their ambitions. One quality of Pisceans that is very annoying is that they hate to answer questions in a simple 'Yes' or 'No'. Mostly, the answer will be a 'Maybe'. Still, he cares and he lets you know that. He is much stronger and wiser than most of the other people, he only has to realize it. The moment he struggles against the tide, you know he will reach the shore before anyone else.
Quoted from http://www.iloveindia.com/astrology/
Anyone that knows me knows that I love cars. I'm always talking about them, test driving them, and dreaming of the day when I get my next one. I have been thinking about my next car for about 10 months now, and haven't gotten any closer to picking what I want. There's really only two categories of vehicles that I want and are considering getting; one being convertibles and the other being hatchbacks/sportbacks. So let's begin...
Convertibles:
Jaguar XK8
The 1997 XK8 (project code X100) was available in coupé or convertible body styles and with either a supercharged or naturally aspirated 290 horsepower (220 kW) 4.0 litre AJ26 engine. From 2003 the engines were replaced by the 4.2 litre AJ34 engines in both the normally aspirated and supercharged versions. The first-generation XK series shares its platform with the Aston Martin DB7. Both cars are derived from the Jaguar XJS, though the platform has been extensively changed.
Jaguar XJS
The Jaguar XJ-S (later the Jaguar XJS) is a luxury grand tourer produced by the British manufacturer Jaguar. The car was re-engineered in 1991 and renamed XJS. All XJSs from this time are referred to as "facelift" models. The rear side windows appeared enlarged (although the body glass aperture was actually the same size as the earlier car), and the flying buttresses stayed, as designer Geoff Lawson argued that they were part of the car's character.
Audi A4 Cabriolet
The Audi A4 is a compact executive car produced by the German car manufacturer Audi AGA.The all-new A4, internally designated Typ 8E, debuted in late 2000, now riding on the all-new Volkswagen Group B6 (PL46) platform. Audi reintroduced the S4, now powered by a 344 PS (253 kW; 339 bhp) 4.2 L V8 engine, as well as an A4 Cabriolet convertible variant (Typ 8H), finally replacing the 80-based Audi Cabriolet which had been discontinued in 1998. It included an electro-hydraulic operated roof, which lowered in under 30 seconds, and incorporated some styling changes which eventually found their way to the saloon version (such as body-colored lower bumper and sill panels).
Nissan 300ZX
The Nissan 300ZX (called the Fairlady Z in Japan) is a sports car that was produced by Nissan. It comprises the third and fourth generations of the Z-car line-up, respectively given the chassis designations Z31 and Z32. The Z31 and Z32 feature a 3.0 litre, V6 naturally-aspirated and single (Z31) or twin (Z32) turbocharged engine. The convertible option became available in 1993, just three years before import to North America ceased.
Nissan 350Z
The Nissan 350Z is a two seat sports car that was manufactured by Nissan Motor Co, LTD. The 350Z is the fifth generation of Nissan's Z-car line, originally introduced in 1969 (as a 1970 model year) as the Datsun 240Z. The 350Z entered production in late 2002 and was sold and marketed as a 2003 model. It was available in several trim packages and is sold as both a coupé and roadster before being succeeded by the 370Z for the 2009 model year.
BMW 3 series 
The BMW 3 Series is a compact executive car manufactured by the German automaker BMW since May 1975. The E46 is the fourth generation of BMW's 3 Series entry-level luxury car / compact executive car. The sedan was introduced in 1998 and replaced the E36 sedan the same year. The smaller-engined version, despite having a 2.5L engine, was designated "323," not "325," to increase the apparent spread between it and the correctly-numbered (to purists) 328. The touring and coupé models appeared in 1999 with BMW's newly designed steptronicsemi-automatic transmissions (available in all 3 series models), and the convertible and M3 later in 2000.
Hatchbacks/Sportbacks:
BMW M Coupe
The BMW M Coupe is a Shooting-brake styled high-performance automobile produced by BMW. Due to the unique styling of the M Coupe, dealer sales were slow, and dealerships sidestepped the M Coupe to sell the more practical and more profitable M3 models to performance enthusiasts. As a result of their relative rarity, M Coupes retain more of their value than any other BMW since the E30 M3. Only 2,461 of these vehicles were made for the US market.
Volvo C30
The Volvo C30 is a small car produced by Volvo Cars. The C30 is a three-door, four-seat hatchback powered by straight-4 and straight-5 engines. The C30 went on sale in Canada in March 2007 as a 2007 model, and in October 2007 in the United States as a 2008 model.
MazdaSpeed 3
The Mazdaspeed3 is a sport compact hatchback introduced by Mazdaspeed for the 2007 model year, as a performance-enhanced version of the Mazda3. The Mazdaspeed3 features the same turbocharged 2.3-litre DISI MZR I4 engine from the Mazda6 MPS/Mazdaspeed 6. In this application, it produces 263 hp (196 kW) and 280 ft·lbf (380 N·m) when running on 91 octane gasoline ((R+M)/2). This is routed through the front wheels rather than the complex all-wheel drive system found on its big brother (Mazdaspeed6).
Mazda6 Sport Wagon
The Mazda6 or Mazda 6 (known as the Mazda Atenza in Japan) is a mid-size car produced by the Japanese car manufacturer Mazda since 2002. The Mazda6 was the first example of the company's new Stylish', Insightful, and Spirited design philosophy. The model lineup consists of a four-door sedan, a five-door liftback and a five-door station wagon, marketed in North America as the "Sport Sedan", "5-Door" and "Sport Wagon", respectively.
Audi A3 Sportback
The Audi A3 is a compact car produced by the German automaker Audi since 1996. In 2005, the "S line" trim level, with new sporty decorative elements, became available in certain models, and the 3-door received the same frontend as the Sportback. For the first time, the A3 became available in the North American market, exclusively with the Sportback body, with the base 2.0 straight-4 TFSI introduced in 2005 as a 2006 model, and the 3.2 VR6 quattro following in 2006.
Audi A4 Avant
The Audi A4 is a compact executive car produced by the German car manufacturer Audi AGA since late 1994. The all-new A4, internally designated Typ 8E, debuted in late 2000, now riding on the all-new Volkswagen Group B6 (PL46) platform. The Avant arrived in mid 2001.
As I was already thinking about me needing to take a vacation, someone brings up the fact that they are merely days away from going on a cruise. This almost killed me :-/ It's ben just over two years since my last cruise and the thought of going again (for my 10th time) has got me all anxious. So let's look at what all needs to happen before I can truly say, "I'm going on another CRUISE!!"
Well, it starts with work. Either I'm going to have to find another job or get promoted into some other position. Next thing will be finding someone to go with, preferably a new girlfriend. I could always go with family, but I'd have to be more in control of my actions; not that I'm going to get too wild. Then, it's picking where, how may days, transportation there and back, and getting X amount of days off from work....
So should I just settle for another small vacation somewhere?? I think not... well maybe I will. I'll take a short vacation just to get the hell outta dodge, but I'm ready for my next cruise!!!
Stepping back for a moment from my own body, things seem to be going well in this life of mine. I see a smart individual that's making it on his own with a full time job, a paid off car, his own apartment, a decent social life, close family contact and a faithful dog. This person seems to still be outgoing and adventurous wanting to see new things and go to new places...
Stepping back into my body now, things seem totally wrong. I don't feel as though I have accomplished anything at all. Each time I take a step forward, I take at least three steps back. I'm dealing with some major issues and feel like there's no one to talk to and no one that cares. If fact, only a handfull of people actually know the real me; the me that's no fun to be around, the me that's antisocial, the me that could care less how your day went, the me that wants to end things for good... No one seems to care...
Well this is no new phenomenon for me and I've been dealing with this for a while. So what I do is try to keep my spirits up and just make it through the day... Well, that's not cutting it anymore. I'm past the point of exhaustion trying to keep myself a float and putting on a front like everything in my life is going so well. My constant upbeat and positive attitude is merely a coping mechanism I have developed over the years to help me deal with my irregular mood swings. The constant up and down of my moods is taxing not only on my mind, body and soul, but is also effects how I work, my attitude, my interests and my friendships.
What's keeping me going... I don't really know anymore...
So I'm in the process of giving my blog a new look. I also think that I'm going to make another one that will be more for helping people out. I do enjoy helping people as best I can through my experiences and opinions.
As far as my life at the current moment?? Well where do I start. My sleep issues this still present in my day to day life. I have no clue when I'll get that all together. As far as work goes, it's been good. I got a promotion recently which came as a real shock. I'm currently looking to do something else; something more technical and more in the spectrum of what I went to school for. My love life is starting to turn around too. I have a new love interest that I'm pursuing. I refuse to mess this up. If I really want something I usually get it, so I'm hoping that will apply to this as well. I've also been having some really rough days... My bipolarity has been worse than usual and I think it might be time to get back on some medication. Luckily, the new love interest is very understanding and patient so that's helping.
Anyway, I'm doing good for the most part and keeping my mind as positive as it can be.
Things to help you through....
If you expect perfection from other people, your whole life is a series of disappointments, grumbling and complaints. If, on the contrary, you pitch your expectations low, taking folks as the inefficient creatures which they are, you are ... frequently surprised by having them perform better than you had hoped.
Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it.
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
People are like stained glass windows: they sparkle and shine when the sun's out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within.
Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.
In complete darkness we are all the same, it is only our knowledge and wisdom that separates us, don't let your eyes deceive you.
Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone whom you can't live without .
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
The rising sun can dispel the darkness of night, but it cannot banish the blackness of malice, hatred, bigotry, and selfishness from the hearts of humanity.
When you look at electrical things you can see that they are made of small and big wires, cheap and expensive all lined up. Until the current runs through them there will be no light. Those wires are you and me and the current is God. We have the pow...er to let the current pass through us, use us and produce the light of the world or we can refuse to be used and allow darkness to spread.
✞ "Jesus loves me! This I know, For the Bible tells me so; Little ones to Him belong, They are weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes, Jesus loves me! The Bible tells me so." ✞
A man may devote himself to death and destruction to save a nation; but no nation will devote itself to death and destruction to save mankind.
Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.
I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death.
You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.
Loving someone is like caring for a garden, love it too much or too little and it dies, but love it just right and it will live forever.
The future is not a result of choices among alternative paths offered by the present, but a place that is created--created first in the mind and will, created next in activity. The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating.
True transformation occurs only when we can look at ourselves squarely and face our attachments and inner demons, free from the buzz of commercial distraction and false social realities. We have to retreat into our own cocoons and come face-to-face with who we are. We have to turn toward our own inner darkness. For only by abandoning its attachments and facing the darkness does the caterpillar's body begin to spread out and its light, beautiful wings begin to form.
Like the lotus, you experience three primary stages of evolution. The first is marked by ignorance and darkness, when you lie below the dense mud - a closed chrysalis - which, by nature of existence, will eventually be pulled upwards by the warmth of the Sun. The second is exemplified by the climb through the clouded waters of your emotional experience, yet still the flower reaches to the Sun, knowing no other destiny ... no other purpose. The third brings full illumination in the splendor of the light. The Lotus flower blossoms, baring its exquisite beauty to all those who are aware, enough to recognize God unfolding.
People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.
True transformation occurs only when we can look at ourselves squarely and face our attachments and inner demons, free from the buzz of commercial distraction and false social realities. We have to retreat into our own cocoons and come face-to-face with who we are. We have to turn toward our own inner darkness. For only by abandoning its attachments and facing the darkness does the caterpillar's body begin to spread out and its light, beautiful wings begin to form.
~Julia Butterfly Hill~
Like the lotus, you experience three primary stages of evolution. The first is marked by ignorance and darkness, when you lie below the dense mud - a closed chrysalis - which, by nature of existence, will eventually be pulled upwards by the warmth of the Sun. The second is exemplified by the climb through the clouded waters of your emotional experience, yet still the flower reaches to the Sun, knowing no other destiny ... no other purpose. The third brings full illumination in the splendor of the light. The Lotus flower blossoms, baring its exquisite beauty to all those who are aware, enough to recognize God unfolding.
~Patricia Cori~
If you think that you can do everything by yourself, you are sadly mistaken. I talked about coming out of the valley of the shadow of death, but I didn’t do it alone. Things change for go or for, bad but in order for me to come out of my troubled sate of mind, I needed a stranger.
Humm... a stranger you say? Yes. I’ve run into a couple of people out in the world that have, in a sense, spiritually held my hand as I deal with my life. I would like to share one of them with you.
As I felt my life slowly crumbling under my feet, I found myself sending out a massive text message to all of my friends whishing them a Happy Thanksgiving. A simple action that warrants little response, but I received a text back saying, “who is this?” After a few short exchanges, this wonderful person had entered my life named Tiffany. Unlike most people, that would have gotten upset and curse you for texting an old friends number only to find out that it was no longer theirs, she was as polite, gentle and kind.
I found it easy telling her thing about what was going on in my world and how rocky it had been for so long. We’d sit up texting back and forth a many of nights talking about life and it’s ups and downs. But when I needed someone the most, she was the. A stranger was there for me.
One of the lowest moments of my life happened on a night that is supposed to be spent with loved one in excitement of the coming day, Christmas. That night I had went over to give my ex’s to exchange Christmas gifts. I had made her gift prior to the “official” end of our five-year relationship. It was a memory book composed of the last five years of our life together. From prom, school, vacations, living together to getting her dog, a series of pictures composed together that told a happy story of our lives together.
My very emotional and sentimental gift was quickly looked though with no signs of any emotion; a complete waste of my time and energy; a complete waste of five years of my life. As I drove back to my place it finally hit me that it was indeed all over. As I reflected over the past years of my life, I couldn’t see her not being a part of it and wanted nothing more than to end my life once again.
As I lay on my couch reading a book and heavily drinking, I started receiving text from Tiffany. Although she didn’t get me to stop drinking that night she showed me another way out. A way out that didn’t involve my own death and hurting those that still loved me.
I passed out drunk that night and was hung-over almost all of Christmas which was spent with my family. It was by far the worst X-mas of my life. That night, we chatted again and I started looking at things about my relationship and about my life from an outsider’s point of view. This was a revolutionary discovery for me. I knew at that moment, she was dead to me. She had been a cancerous cell in my life that grew wildly out of control with no proper treatment. Completely draining the life right out of me.
So I give thanks to this stranger; for she opened my eyes to see things that were right in front of me. I owe her my life. My happiness. Since then I have welcomed other strangers into my life (Ashley, Lori, and Chasity). All have given me a new outlook on life.
I most also thank the writer of DescalzaDiary. She has inspired me to start back writing. Her elegant writing style lured me into her world, which is thousands of miles away. To you, a big thanks ☺
Coming from where I was to where I am has been no small feat. I take all my experiences and use them as a guide; not allowing myself to get back caught up into situations so stressful, so demanding and so painful it makes life not worth living. Being back in the word of the living still has it's ups and down. Although I want to believe that everyone has good in their heart, my beliefs might be slightly misguided. After bouncing in and out of people’s lives over the past few months, I’ve notice that I’m still not truly happy. I do what I want, go where I want and though that’s something that I like very much, it alone is not enough to make me happy.
Why do I still want more? need more? I see it as a combination of things. My needs are simple yet complicated at the same time. For me, I need someone in my life that needs me; to be there, to hold, to comfort, to talk to, to give advise to, to take care of. My other need is for someone to really know me. If you think you know me than you’re sadly mistaken. Until I have walked you down to the darknesses of my thoughts and my of life, you will never truly know me.
So Famous, you know what you need, go get it. If life were that easy everyone would be happy. I’ve been proactive my attempts of getting my needs met with very little success. In doing so, I believe I have drifted further and further away from getting what I want. For that reason, I have decided to take a step back and remove myself from the immense longing to fill my needs.
Where does that leave me? The same place I’ve been for the longest time; alone. Give up? That’s not for me. I have been through far worse than this. This is just a big stepping-stone that I’ve been walking across trying to find the next stone in the direction of my happy life. I have no doubts about my reaching that next stone. I must remain patient; something I haven’t been much of late.
The me that I used to know (found here) was lost in an imaginary world he created for himself; only thinking of others and killing himself in the process all for what? Love? Happiness? A place to belong? By the end I had given up almost everything; friends, family, money, car, sleep, mind… life. I had become an empty vessel. And I pause today because I find myself trying to go back down a very similar road. The signs look the same, it feels the same, bends the same and even flows the same yet I’m lured in with no thought of stopping. Until I felt it. The pain. Pain so deep, so crushing that I found myself asking is life worth living again. That’s not a place I want to return to.
My mind is now made up. Reflect, get motivated and redirect my life. If you’re not going to help, please get out of my life.
