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If you think that you can do everything by yourself, you are sadly mistaken. I talked about coming out of the valley of the shadow of death, but I didn’t do it alone. Things change for go or for, bad but in order for me to come out of my troubled sate of mind, I needed a stranger.
Humm... a stranger you say? Yes. I’ve run into a couple of people out in the world that have, in a sense, spiritually held my hand as I deal with my life. I would like to share one of them with you.
As I felt my life slowly crumbling under my feet, I found myself sending out a massive text message to all of my friends whishing them a Happy Thanksgiving. A simple action that warrants little response, but I received a text back saying, “who is this?” After a few short exchanges, this wonderful person had entered my life named Tiffany. Unlike most people, that would have gotten upset and curse you for texting an old friends number only to find out that it was no longer theirs, she was as polite, gentle and kind.
I found it easy telling her thing about what was going on in my world and how rocky it had been for so long. We’d sit up texting back and forth a many of nights talking about life and it’s ups and downs. But when I needed someone the most, she was the. A stranger was there for me.
One of the lowest moments of my life happened on a night that is supposed to be spent with loved one in excitement of the coming day, Christmas. That night I had went over to give my ex’s to exchange Christmas gifts. I had made her gift prior to the “official” end of our five-year relationship. It was a memory book composed of the last five years of our life together. From prom, school, vacations, living together to getting her dog, a series of pictures composed together that told a happy story of our lives together.
My very emotional and sentimental gift was quickly looked though with no signs of any emotion; a complete waste of my time and energy; a complete waste of five years of my life. As I drove back to my place it finally hit me that it was indeed all over. As I reflected over the past years of my life, I couldn’t see her not being a part of it and wanted nothing more than to end my life once again.
As I lay on my couch reading a book and heavily drinking, I started receiving text from Tiffany. Although she didn’t get me to stop drinking that night she showed me another way out. A way out that didn’t involve my own death and hurting those that still loved me.
I passed out drunk that night and was hung-over almost all of Christmas which was spent with my family. It was by far the worst X-mas of my life. That night, we chatted again and I started looking at things about my relationship and about my life from an outsider’s point of view. This was a revolutionary discovery for me. I knew at that moment, she was dead to me. She had been a cancerous cell in my life that grew wildly out of control with no proper treatment. Completely draining the life right out of me.
So I give thanks to this stranger; for she opened my eyes to see things that were right in front of me. I owe her my life. My happiness. Since then I have welcomed other strangers into my life (Ashley, Lori, and Chasity). All have given me a new outlook on life.
I most also thank the writer of DescalzaDiary. She has inspired me to start back writing. Her elegant writing style lured me into her world, which is thousands of miles away. To you, a big thanks ☺
Coming from where I was to where I am has been no small feat. I take all my experiences and use them as a guide; not allowing myself to get back caught up into situations so stressful, so demanding and so painful it makes life not worth living. Being back in the word of the living still has it's ups and down. Although I want to believe that everyone has good in their heart, my beliefs might be slightly misguided. After bouncing in and out of people’s lives over the past few months, I’ve notice that I’m still not truly happy. I do what I want, go where I want and though that’s something that I like very much, it alone is not enough to make me happy.
Why do I still want more? need more? I see it as a combination of things. My needs are simple yet complicated at the same time. For me, I need someone in my life that needs me; to be there, to hold, to comfort, to talk to, to give advise to, to take care of. My other need is for someone to really know me. If you think you know me than you’re sadly mistaken. Until I have walked you down to the darknesses of my thoughts and my of life, you will never truly know me.
So Famous, you know what you need, go get it. If life were that easy everyone would be happy. I’ve been proactive my attempts of getting my needs met with very little success. In doing so, I believe I have drifted further and further away from getting what I want. For that reason, I have decided to take a step back and remove myself from the immense longing to fill my needs.
Where does that leave me? The same place I’ve been for the longest time; alone. Give up? That’s not for me. I have been through far worse than this. This is just a big stepping-stone that I’ve been walking across trying to find the next stone in the direction of my happy life. I have no doubts about my reaching that next stone. I must remain patient; something I haven’t been much of late.
The me that I used to know (found here) was lost in an imaginary world he created for himself; only thinking of others and killing himself in the process all for what? Love? Happiness? A place to belong? By the end I had given up almost everything; friends, family, money, car, sleep, mind… life. I had become an empty vessel. And I pause today because I find myself trying to go back down a very similar road. The signs look the same, it feels the same, bends the same and even flows the same yet I’m lured in with no thought of stopping. Until I felt it. The pain. Pain so deep, so crushing that I found myself asking is life worth living again. That’s not a place I want to return to.
My mind is now made up. Reflect, get motivated and redirect my life. If you’re not going to help, please get out of my life.
